I'm Full

I haven't been on myspace much these days. Lately I've been filling my online time with some of the applications at facebook (like "personality", "my personality", "human pets", and the old standby "oregon trail")... useless time wasters, but fun none the less. Besides, Damon is actually on facebook - and it's nice to do things together, even if it's just online.

Despite the huge changes Lily-Ann has gone through recently, I haven't found myself inspired to write much. I'm sure you've noticed. My blog had pretty much become posts consisting of a few sentences and an abundance of baby pictures. I know there are some of you who were/are grateful for those type of posts, but I'm also sure there are others who waited for something more substantial... and... well... substantial only comes when inspired. Today I hit on such inspiration.

I've been sick for a few days. Nothing serious. Just a cold. I'm on the tail end of it now, which is when my head tends to really hurt. I get colds often enough to know their life cycle. Seems since having Lily-Ann I've got a bullseye on my forehead for germs. If there's a bug out there, it's bound to end up going through my system. I'd had a few fairly healthy years, so this one has been a bugger and a half. I'm lucky to get a week or two between strains. It's beyond frustrating. Anyway. Like I said. This one is on it's way out.

My head is pounding like mad. My sinuses are gorged, stuffed, and my skull feels like it will erupt, spilling it's contents. I'm tired of being medicated - dimetapp, tylenol... after a while you just end up drained. Which is what I wish for my sinuses, drained and empty. In the midst of holding my head in my hands, rubbing my forehead into the bed, moaning about the unceasing fullness, I realized that I'm full. My heart is full. Unlike the packed in, congested, uncomfortable pain that is the fullness in my head, this fullness is one of a comprehensive, rich, deep, all encompassing contentedness.

I lay down, in a darkened room, on my stomach. My head resting on my hands at the foot of the bed. Gazing up near the low celling I am mesmerized. I watch Lily-Ann, on the cusp of sleep, gripping her Daddy's shirt in her wee fist. Her head in the crook of his neck, trying desperately to hold onto any form of wakefulness. He holds her fast, tight in his stable embrace and within his heart. I watch his eyes, move from her to mine, and back again... and I know that I am full.

In this time, in this place (this tiny, messy, over-crowded place), I am full. Despite it all. I am full. My heart. My world. There is no room for any more.

These quiet moments of realization are what, I believe, we all live for. They are what fuels us. What we look towards, and gaze back upon. They are what give us hope for the future. They are our raison d'être.