No Lily to Rest My Eyes on Tonight

I have gone through a wealth of emotion tonight. It's my first night away from Lily-Ann.

I'm staying at my Mom & Dad's place for the weekend. They left on Thursday, and will be coming back on Sunday. Dad had a gig that worked out for Mom to go along so I jumped at the chance to babysit for the weekend. It's been FAR too long since I last spent the weekend, just me and my siblings.

Last night I had Lily here with me. She did pretty well. She'd get a little disorientated when waking, needing a feed or a diaper change. She wasn't always sure where we were at first, and would be a little alarmed, but would soon settle down knowing that I was right there. However there were a LOT of noises here that continuously woke her.

The phone here rings ALL the time. The dogs are loud and shrill. The kids make a lot of noise. The house creaks. Even my parents bed seems clamorous. All this made for one tired little girl. I thought a lot about it, and asked Damon to take her home with him tonight (he sleeps at home when I spend the weekend here, mainly to take care of the dogs while I'm away).

I figured I'd be fine. I've had how many years without Lily-Ann? How few months with her? I thought that maybe this would be a bit of a reprieve for me too. Actually get a full nights sleep - haven't had that since I became pregnant. I knew though... as evening drew closer and closer, that this was going to be horribly difficult for me. I resolved to send Lily home for the night, regardless of how it would affect me. She needed to be at home. Needs to be at home.

Oh how the tears flowed as I handed her to Damon, watched him bundle her into her car seat, and then stood there as they drove away. Thankfully the kids were all busy with a movie I brought over (they didn't even realize Lily and Damon had left until after it had ended). I never imagined it would be so hard to be without her. It's just one night. She'll be back here tomorrow... but watching her leave ripped my heart right out.

Logically I know she'll be fine. She has her Daddy. But he's not me. He's not her mommy... and no one knows her as well as I do. No one knows what each little movement, each little noise, means... like I do. No one responds to her as quickly, with as much care, or with as much attention and detail as I do. She is my heart, and she's never been without me, or I without her.

After tucking my brothers and sisters into bed, I went into my parents room... where Lily and I slept the night before. I fixed her spot in the bed. I sat beside her spot, and I picked up one of her toys that was laying there. I held it and I cried. I'm such a baby.

These last couple of weeks have been so amazing. Lily-Ann has grown so much, learned so much, accomplished so much, changed so much. She's trying new foods every day. She's sitting up on her own. She lives with purpose, intent on taking things in. Constantly curious and so focused. Exploring concepts like cause and effect. She is so completely awe inspiring. I'm continuously struck by how much she has changed my life. I am SO lucky. She is SO incredible. She's amazing!

I'm such a wimp. I really do need to go to bed. I should be taking advantage of the fact that for the first time in a year I might be able to sleep an entire night. Instead, I'm out here wishing I were with her. I'd rather get a few hours intermittently throughout the night, and have her to astound me (because, yes... even in her sleep I find her breath taking). I'd prefer to be exhausted and in love, than fully rested and wondering.

She needed to be at home. I have to keep reminding myself of that. This isn't about what I want, or what I need. Lily needs to be at home. She has her Daddy to care for her and watch over her. I just have to buck up and deal with not having her here. Oy! Easier said than done.

It's going to be a long, long night.